Love, Lust and Lifestyle
Love, Lust and Lifestyle
Love, lust, and lifestyle—the three ‘L’ words that ignite overwhelming desires and uncontrollable cravings when you're pursuing a romantic interest. Each ‘L’ factor can feel strikingly similar, making it hard to tell them apart in the heat of the moment. When you’re the one being pursued, the endgame is often unclear. The harsh truth? The real ‘L’ that sparked your pursuit—or the real reason your partner was drawn to you usually only reveals itself in the wreckage of a breakup or divorce.
All three components of intimacy share similar traits of attraction, often recklessly fueled by unresolved issues, surging hormones, and a bruised ego. They can create the illusion of happiness or project an image of success that makes you feel unstoppable and on top of the world. Everyone carries past experiences—both good and bad—that shape their vulnerabilities, whether it’s loving deeply, lusting excessively, or being drawn to (or even addicted to) a certain lifestyle.
Do you know which aspect of intimacy—love, lust, or lifestyle—aligns with your arousal template? Which one makes you weak or serves as your ultimate romantic temptation or lynchpin? Is one desire more dominant for you, or do you need a mix of all three to feel safe, secure, or alive? Do you rely on multiple partners to fulfill each craving? Is your trigger visual? Is your attraction shaped by race, complexion, hair color, height, body type, or something else? Has one of these elements been more rewarding for you? Or has one led to more disappointments, consequences, and regrets?
No matter which state of mind excites you sexually (gets you hard or makes you wet), none of them come with a crystal ball to predict the future or guarantee an outcome. All of them have blind spots that keep you from seeing what’s real or understanding someone’s true intentions. When it comes to lust and lifestyle, both men and women want to protect their reputations. Each sex wants to control the optics but will covertly use love as a disguise to secure the other two. For some men and women, it’s difficult to pinpoint which cornerstone of romance—love, lust, or lifestyle—makes them strong, happy, or weak. And for others, it’s even harder to admit or be honest about which one factor they crave the most or bring them the most happiness.
Love is the poster child for happiness. Seeking love is praised and socially encouraged while lusting for someone (sexually) or being drawn to a partner with a lavish lifestyle (financially) is stigmatized. If love is the gold standard of romance, then lust and the pursuit of luxury are the outlaws of intimacy often featured at the center of an “unwanted” poster.
Love between two people is a shared feeling, openly demonstrated and socially celebrated. Lust is a fire—felt in secret and acted on in private. Lifestyle or socioecomomic level is either the image you chase for yourself personally or the standard of living you seek when searching for a partner romantically. Love isn’t always balanced, mutual, or exclusive between two people. Lust can’t always be controlled or confined to just one person. And the image of a lavish lifestyle won’t heal past trauma or erase old mistakes. But one thing’s for sure—they all play a relevant and vital role in romance.
Note: Before continuing with this topic, let’s address the elephant in the room. There are gender specific roles to seeking romance. Men and women’s romantic DNA are hardwired to predominantly pursue specific ‘Ls”. Here are the historical facts:
Women historically, some not most, from the time they were young girls were attracted to the cute, popular and older boys in school. At a young age, similar to young boys, young girls have raging hormones and want to have sex with boys that meet their arousal template. As young girls become young women, their romantic priorities change. Sure, they still want to have sex and attraction is a factor, but they start having different needs. The more they mature, the more value they place on security (lifestyle), safety, connection and chemistry over other superficial qualities that were once on their romantic checklist. Character becomes even more important as a woman matures. They usually want to settle down faster than men. When it comes to beauty, the prettier or more attractive a woman is, she develops an attitude to level up romantically to be with a high value man or a man of means. Many beautiful women place a high value on their visual attractiveness and believe that their beauty entitles them to wealth. Women that specifically seek men that have a high net worth aren’t necessarily gold-diggers or groupies. Actually, it becomes a mutual trade off because a man of means is either seeking youth or beauty to reflect his high romantic value.
Men historically, most not some, when they were young boys got an erection just thinking about sex with a young girl. Sure, a young boy being attracted to a young girl is important but most young boys will fuck any girl that’s willing. Even upon staring at a woman, a man is aroused and lusting. While in the courtship phase of dating, he’s anticipating having sex. Yes, he is lusting during the first coffee meeting or over the dinner date. He offers to pay and is expected to pay for the coffee and the dinner. A man is not buying a woman dinner just to be her friend. He’s investing in trying to fuck her. To keep it raw, a man wants to know if the pussy and head are good. Men don’t mature or evolve romantically like women. His romantic value takes precedence over having values. A man’s checklist reverts back to his younger self and becomes more superficial as he gets older. If a man is healthy and still sexually virile, even in his 70’s, he is thinking about sex. Similar to a young man, he’s still is wondering how good the sex and will there be head in the offing. A man will use his lifestyle and travel all over the world seeking sex and paying for sex. A man of means will settle down and marry but in many cases—especially a celebrity type—it will be with a younger and beautiful woman. Her character, why she’s really attractied to him, or her financial worth rarely comes into question. But I digress.
Don’t Lose Yourself to Anyone
The chase for love, lust, and lifestyle can make you lose perspective and compromise every value you thought was unshakable. Your boundaries, red flags, and deal breakers will crumble if you don’t recognize that the desire for love, the pull of lust, and the craving for a lavish lifestyle can all be fueled by imagination or fantasy. These powerful emotions—shaped by feelings, thoughts, and memories—are often driven by past trauma and unmet expectations. No matter how mature or intelligent you are, you’re not immune to seeking intimacy as a way to heal childhood wounds (abuse and abandonment) or to patch emotional wounds (rejection and betrayal) from your past.
In hindsight, some people realize that almost every romantic choice they made was subconsciously motivated by the drive to either numb emotional pain or fill a void of loneliness or emptiness. Hopefully, you’ll never resent the person you chose to love or the partner to whom you dedicated your life. If all goes well, you’ll never regret losing the one person who truly loved you and gave you everything—the one who finally walked away because you constantly took advantage of them.
Hopefully, you’ll never wake up one day, lie next to your partner, stare at the ceiling, and question the last 20 years of your life, only to realize you’ve lost yourself in another person. Fingers crossed, you never glance at the empty side of the bed and feel the sting of losing someone who loved you more than you ever realized. With luck, you’ll never stand in front of a mirror and struggle to recognize the person staring back at you wondering what happened to the confident, vibrant version of yourself that once thrived.
Self-Reflection and Realization
Self-reflection that leads to self-discovery—revealing the life experiences that shaped you—can be both rewarding and enlightening. But on the flip side, realizing how you contributed to being hurt and reliving the moments that crushed your hopes and dreams can be emotionally devastating. It’s important to reflect on the part you played in those misfortunes and reflect on how you could have altered your actions to inspire different outcomes.
Self-reflection can be a moment of mental time travel that can be very emotional. While reflecting on your actions, you will also see the actions of others; making self-reflection either transformational or trapping you in the past.
Introspective Intelligence is the ability to self-explore (look inward) to self-discover (have an emotional breakthrough) about one’s own issues that either paralyze or trigger you emotionally in your romantic relationships. Introspective Intelligence is a level of self-awareness that can definitely help you access those impactful memories to become aware of both the trauma and temptation triggers that make you vulnerable to superficial wants and unhealthy romantic cravings. The more intelligent you become about your issues, the greater your ability to navigate trauma or disappointment and escape the grieving process.
In a moment of self-reflection—staring into the proverbial mirror—it’s crucial to remember when you first noticed the signs of potential abuse, pending chaos, and early dysfunction while realizing you stayed stagnant and suspended in place taking little to no action. During your time of reflection, you recall the day you abandoned your code of conduct and slipped into emotional codependency. You can pinpoint the exact moment you decided to give your partner everything and the day you realized the return on investment wasn’t worth the sacrifices you made. Finally, it hits you, and you realize you overvalued their looks, money, and sexual abilities resulting in feelings of powerlessness that left you trapped in their web of dysfunction.
Regardless of every heroic effort you made, you could never break free and leave them. It’s like they put a spell on you. After self-reflection, the nuances of each ‘L’ factor that contributed to your weakness and made your partner stronger becomes clear. You realize it wasn’t witchcraft at all. You now understand that it was your belief that you couldn’t live without them and your dependence on that one ‘L’ for your happiness and survival.
When the power dynamic in a relationship overwhelmingly favors one partner and creates an imbalance, the stronger, more dominant, partner will often neglect the needs and dismiss the desires of the one they value less. Without firm principles in place, you’ll often find yourself coming in second—or even third—in your partner’s life. If you’re not mindful, your partner’s needs and happiness will take priority over your own. Whether the foundation of the relationship is love, lust, or attraction to a lifestyle, a strong partnership thrives on a healthy compromise with minimal major sacrifices.
The Strongest Survives and the Neediest Succumbs
Usually, the more emotionally and financially imbalanced a relationship becomes, in many cases, the more needier the dependent partner becomes. One partner may require more attention, want more affection and spend more time connecting. One partner may have a stronger sex drive and wants to have sex more often than the other. One partner may have all the money while the other partner wants to travel, to shop and eat out at fancy restaurants five times a week. At some point, the partner with the stronger desires and needs is going to become the neediest. At some point, one partner is going to shut down the demonstartion of love, the sex and the perks.
Question: Which is more powerful during an imbalanced relationship? Having money or mental toughness? Which feeling is more debilitating? Feeling unloved or feeling inadequate?
In most cases, the person who controls the money—the provider of the lifestyle—appears to have all the power. Money can drive the ego of the provider and also the optics of who has the power in the relationship. However, money is powerless to mind games. The so-called financially dependent partner can flip the power dynamic by becoming emotionally stronger and mentally tougher. The real key isn’t controlling someone’s money—it’s controlling their mind, keeping them confused, and making them more emotionally needy and dependent on you. Keeping your partner off balanced emtionally, will slowly change the balance of power. When your partner begins to flex his or her financial muscles, you have to flex your emotional strength and mental toughness.
A financially dependent partner can shift the power dynamic by appearing distant, cold, and indifferent. They can start playing emotional mind games—never paying their partner a single compliment, never asking where they are going or where they’ve been Along with being nonchalant, the financially dependent partner can start limiting quality time, withholding sex, or downplaying the importance of money. A person with money and power believes they have access to anything or anybody they want. Not fucking someone with power and money is called mind fucking.
The partner with more financial resources can end up manipulated—completely mind-fucked—into becoming the emotionally dependent one. Flipping the power balance can be disorienting, clouding a person’s judgment and weakening their common sense. Similar to the Jedi mind trick, mind fucking someone can manipulate their thoughts and actions. In an attempt to please their partner, the manipulated person finds themselves exhausting time and energy to chase attention, affection, and validation from someone with far less financial power. Mind fucking is a type of spell that can take years to break.
Whether you're just dating someone or committed to sharing your life with them, maintaining a strong sense of self-worth is very important. No matter how badly a partner treats or neglects you, you must constantly remind yourself that you matter and that you have value. Keep telling yourself that you deserve better and that being anything less than a priority is unacceptable. If your happiness depends on your partner’s lifestyle, that same lifestyle will eventually be the source of your sadness.
Love isn’t measured by splitting everything equally. Providing is relative to one’s abilities. Meaning, that giving is dependent on one’s capacity, skill or competence level. The true measure of giving in a romantic relationship depends on a person’s resources, ability, and willingness to share even if there is an imbalance in one area or another. It’s simple math—some people give more financially, while others give more of themselves. Love isn’t always about the dollar amount spent; it’s about the percentage of what’s given consistently over time in various aspects outside of monetary means.
Behavior Disclaimer: You must consider the consequences before using any power dynamic strategies on a partner. Both men are women who are the financial powerhouses of a relationship have been known to become violent; accusing their partner of having an affair. Be warned: Mind-fucking can be extremely dangerous. A partner can become so paranoid and convince themselves that if you are not fucking and spending time with them, you must be fucking and spending time with someone else. Domestic violence is a harsh reality and a last resort often committed by the person with financial power who has lost their ability to control their partner emotionally and sexually with money.
Remember the Forth ‘L’ Word
If you’re only focused on love, lust, and a lavish lifestyle as your sources of happiness—or if you believe each of these can make you happy—you’ll lose sight of what it truly takes to be happy. Without a personal mantra to ground you in your relationship, you’ll forget who you are, leaving yourself powerless against the other person’s selfishness and vulnerable to their bullshit. The more locked in you are on the three “L”s, the easier it is to overlook the fourth “L” of romance—like.
The spark that ignites a relationship and the first brick wall into which some relationships crash, “like”, or simply liking someone, is often undervalued as a feeling. It’s a crucial factor in any personal connection—whether it’s a friendship, a business partnership, or an intimate relationship. From the people you work with to the person you share your bed with, it’s hard to be around anyone for too long if you don’t genuinely like them.
Many of the things you like—and the type of people you’re drawn to—are already wired into your mind as personal preferences. These penchants for people are as much a part of you as your hair color or your affinity for or against cilantro. While you’ll develop new likes over time, everything you’re into or interested in right now is part of your unique DNA. You have a favorite color, a go-to music genre, a preferred type of food, and a signature style. Similarly, you have a specific type of person to which you are naturally attracted. That being said, it’s important to understand that what you love and who you love takes time to grow and nurture while ‘like’ is often instant.
Love is a feeling connected to the mind and heart. You may love someone because you believe in them, you trust them and you feel safe with them. Although confused with infatuation, love is more sustaining. The word like is connected to your senses because someone or something is stimulating you; seeing, hearing, taste, touch and smell can create the feeling of like. You like what you see, hear, taste, touch and smell. For that reason, you like to be around a person or indulge in that thing you like frequently. Contrary to the feeling of love, the feeling of ‘like’ is more fleeting—comes and goes. Love and like have their similarities—you can fake loving someone just as easily as you can fake liking them. But just as you have things and people to which you’re naturally drawn, you also have things and people you instinctively dislike.
The first mental impression exhibited upon meeting a new person, visiting a new place, or being introduced to something new manifests in the form of either ‘like’ or ‘dislike’. Just as quickly as you can start liking someone, you can just as easily start disliking them. People that have a tendency to dislike everyone they meet, often struggle with liking and loving themselves. In most cases, their dislike or distrust of people is more about their issues, them feeling threatened, or someone having a trait that reminds them of a horrible time in their life. Most people that don’t like many people at first sight usually don’t understand what’s triggering their uncomfortable feelings. They are not unaware of the amounts of Cortisol coursing through throughout their body causing their heart rate to increase.
Love is a deep, complicated emotion with a long shelf life, but ‘like’ is a fragile organic feeling and can spoil fast. For example, you might have fallen in love with your partner 20 years ago but stopped liking them 15 years ago translating to only liking them for 5 years of the relationship. Some people still love their partners but fake the feeling of "like" until one day, they just can’t anymore.
When you start disliking your partner, you begin keeping mental notes of everything that irritates you, focusing more on their flaws than their qualities. Suddenly, their imperfections stand out more than the traits you once admired. Over time, your list of negatives grows, the passion dies and the romance takes a steep decline. As dislike turns into resentment, it becomes harder to remember what drew you to them in the first place. Their once-admirable qualities fade from memory, making it all too easy to develop amnesia about why you fell in love. The more your dislike intensifies, the easier it becomes to feel drawn to—and start liking—someone new. Even when you love a person, it’s very hard to enjoy sex when you dislike them and very easy to have sex with someone you like but don’t love.
Ultimately, the continuous push and pull of the ‘L’ words in romance may bring about a struggle on your path toward happiness. Whether you're single or in a committed relationship, your priority should be to avoid the struggle of loving and liking yourself. Instead of searching for someone to make you happy, focus on working through your issues of self-loathing, self-pity, self-sabotage, or self-destructive tendencies before attempting to love someone else. Improving your Introspective Intelligence can help build the foundation on which you are wholly prepared to give and receive all of four ‘Ls’.
