Romantic Chemistry
The Intense Romantic Reaction Between Two People
What is Romantic Chemistry? Romantic Chemistry is described as intense feelings of attraction, passion and the connection (the spark) that two people mutually experience upon meeting or talking with each other. There can be a romantic reaction or interest that two people share just seeing each other. With any type of chemistry, when two different substances or chemicals come together, there is either a reaction or a non-reaction. As they combine, they will undergo a drastic change or barely interact. Romantic Chemistry between people is no different in concept.
Attraction, passion and connection are similar to heat, oxygen and fuel. When heat, oxygen and fuel are combined, there is a chain reaction. That chain reaction can create a spark that causes either a fire or an explosion. When there’s chemistry (a spark) between two people, something inside each of them clicks or resonates. That spark of emotions that take place upon seeing a person, or the hormonal explosion upon meeting someone for the first time feels incredible. The combination of releasing happy hormones and the feeling of infatuation is the closest feeling to having an orgasm. The longer a couple releases those hormones and feels infatuated, the hotter the relationship, and the crazier they feel about each other.
On the contrary, some chemicals may interact but nothing happens. Two substances can mix and there’s nothing; nada, zero! Similar to oil and water they don’t mix at all and will separate. It’s no different with people that see or meet each other. Two people can be walking towards each other, make eye contact and just walk by each other without so much as a flicker. Some people are just romantically invisible to each other. Two people on a date, sitting across from each other with absolutely nothing in common or no attraction to each other, can struggle with eye contact or search for the words to have a conversation. Some people just don’t hit it off.
The attraction facet of Romantic Chemistry is often based on each person’s visual preferences. The passion aspect is aroused by the imagination. The connection facet of Romantic Chemistry is fueled by the conversation. Essentially, hearing something that each person can either identify or sympathize with establishes the connection.
The connection between two people is often based on them having similarities that each person can relate to. For example, growing up facing the same circumstances or adversities or born in the same city. Being interested in the same music, having the same favorite food or movie. Maybe each person is the oldest or youngest sibling in their family; were raised by a single parent or grandparent. Or, their families were impacted by the same tragedy or dilemma years ago. The deeper two people get into a conversation, the deeper the connection can be.
When there isn’t any romantic chemistry especially on a first meeting, neither person has anything in common with the other. Therefore, no romantic reaction or connection takes place. While sitting across from each other, both people are glancing at the clock on the wall or at their watches. Or, one person is smiling but can’t wait for that dreaded moment to be over with. Two hours of their lives that they will never get back.
The real questions are; Is Romantic Chemistry always instant? Can two people establish chemistry over several dates or months? Does Romantic Chemistry change over time? Is the passion, attraction and connection between two people enough to sustain a healthy relationship? Is one aspect more important than the other? Can the spark be generated with only one aspect?
Your Romantic Checklist
Everyone has a mental Romantic Checklist—an ideal list of romantic wants and needs that everyone has in their mind. Romantic Chemistry is the raging fire developing between two people as they each meet certain qualities, traits, gifts and intangibles on each other’s list. These attributes can be a list of priorities of what’s important for a person to be happy or a list of preferences that were created from childhood.
You, yourself have your own list of requirements in your mind that you feel or believe that will create that spark between you and another person. Upon you seeing a person or meeting them, you begin checking off boxes in your mind. Some items are checked off instantaneously and some require a little more time—deeper investigation. The more boxes you check off, the more sparks start to fly. The deeper you connect with a person; your hormones can be so elevated that your veins start constricting and your heart starts racing. If you check off the last box, you’re starting to fall hard for that person.
Now, the seven labels above (attraction, honesty, trust, lifestyle, etc.) are just a generic sample of qualities, traits, gifts and intangibles that can meet a person’s wants, needs, desires, etc. Based on your list of priorities of importance and your list of preferences, one or two of the above labels may be on your Romantic Checklist. Maybe only one or two is important to you when you meet a person or consider dating a someone. You might switch out rapport for communication or trade comfort for safety. Cummunication is one of several love languages. Some people love when a person can communicate their feelings and can share their thoughts. They can appreciate when a person they’re romantically involved with keeps updated, shares news and they’re not always left in the dark.
Love is dynamic because what stimulates you romantically evolves and your mental checklist changes over time. What clicked or resonated for you at 20 years of age, may not stimulate you and spark a flame within you at 40. If at 40 or 50 you still have the same Romantic Checklist you had at 20 or 30, you may be considered unrealistic, just too picky or immature. A Romantic Checklist often changes with maturity.
As you mature, your mental Romantic Checklist automatically changes. As you change, what you value changes. What you want and desire in romance from a romantic partner will change as your needs change. Yes, needs! At a certain age, your needs will take precedence over superficial wants and desires. Usually in the latter stages of life, your needs (security, safety, tranquility and no drama) become your priorities and preferences.
For example, remember that young boy or young girl you weren’t atracted in high school? Well now, they may now have the qualities and intangibles you need that will provide that spark. Remember that Prom King or Prom Queen that was once out of your league? He or she may not have the same value or impact in the grownup world. With your new list, they can’t even come off the bench to date you now.
Physical attraction may still be factor but because of your needs, you will be attracted to different attributes and might be drawn to a totally different type of person. Having certain needs will both shrink and expand your dating pool. As your perspective changes, your options will decrease in one area but will increase in another. Personal growth creates a new perspective and a new list of ideal people that you are attracted to—all of which can still elevate your hormones and create feelings of infatuation.
Having a Flexible Romantic Checklist
As you grow emotionally or get older, you might have an open mind about dating someone younger, someone more mature, someone in a higher socioeconomic class or even a lower tax bracket. A Romantic Checklist may change out of curiosity. You may be curious about dating the bad-boy or girl; the rebellious, non-conforming type? Perhaps, a good girl or guy; a responsible level headed career type of woman for once? Maybe you’re curious about dating outside your race or suddenly become interested in dating a person within your race? You might want more danger and adventure in dating or no more drama and unpredictibility. In any case, you have to make adjustments to your list. You might change out one element for another or rearrange your entire list to get that same spark.
In your youth, many of your preferences were probably based on personal ideas and dictated by pop-culture. Your Romantic Checklist may have been a manifestation of cultural expectations and limited by social restrictions. It’s possible that you’ve always been a Maverick of sorts and would never allow society to dictate who you would be romantically attracted to. You were always open to dating different races, a person much older or younger than you, or the same gender. You might have been the type of person that went to the extreme and dated someone you never imagined dating. Maybe you would never stray too far from your original romantic blueprint. Reaching a place of happiness and success in romance is about being flexible about certain items on a Romantic Checklist.
As you grow personally, a Romantic Checklist should always be flexible in non-essential areas. However, what is non-essential for one person may be a ‘must have’ for another. The real question is, how do you alter or adjust your mental Romantic Checklist without settling for less? The key is having the flexibility to adjust your list without lowering your standards during the adjustment process. You may can get away with being flexible to forgo ceratin non-essential wants but be careful about playing with your non-negotiables.
What About your… Do Not Want List?
When it comes to dating, at Straight Raw Wellness we believe that a person should also have a list of chronic issues and a zero tolerance policy list relating to character—that they clearly want to avoid. The first list is a list of behaviors that will raise a red flag. The second list is a list of unacceptable character flaws that a person swore to never tolerate. Our approach to romance is not you always knowing everything you want romantically because a Romantic Checklist can change—and should have the ability to change. We understand that knowing what you want in a person and knowing what you’re looking for in a person is important to be happy with them. However, at Straight Raw Wellness, being happy and successful in romance is predicated on knowing what you don’t want in a person? It’s based on knowing what will make you miserable being with them. It’s the constant bullshit that fucks up a Romantic Chemistry.
Having a Do Not Want List is equally as important as having a mental Romantic Checklist. It’s natural to go into a relationship looking for all the attributes you want and the things you like, but it’s critical to know all the negatives you don’t want and the drama that you want to avoid. Sometimes people unitentionally let the cat out of the bag real early—maybe on the first date—if you’re lucky. You don’t have to look for the small things that you don’t want in a person or that you don’t like because like magic, they will materialize out of thin air. You don’t always have to pay close attention to see a red flag or hear what a person’s issues are. It’s not always what a person is showing you or telling that you should pay attention to. It’s what they are not saying and what’s not adding up or making sense that you should focus on.
Everyone you meet has behavioral tendencies, a past hisorty and secrets. Which means, you have to establish boundaries, be mindful to see red flags and have the ability to hear what you classify as a deal breaker. Along with having a Romantic Checklist of wants and needs, you should have:
1. A list of boundaries that regulate the behavior of others.
2. A list of red flags of unwanted behaviors that signals you to raise your white flag.
3. A list of deal breakers that are non-negotiables that cause you to say, “Hell no, this ain’t gonna work for me!”
Someone you’re interested in might one day step all over your boundaries. They might demonstrate some behavior that is on your list of red flags, or you might hear something that’s on your deal breaker list. A boundary, for example may be related to requiring a person to keep your relationship private, to keep your personal business confidential or asking a person not to show up at your house unannounced.
A list of chronic issues that raise a red flag may include a person having issues with anger, anxiety, money management issues, bad credit, unable to keep a job. A red flag may pop up when a person is always negative, displays very aggressive tendencies and is very controlling. Or when a person isn’t an independent thinker; they can’t make up their own mind and seeks council for everything. You may notice that a person has violent tendencies when they get upset. On the contrary, you may notice that they become extremely passive when dealing with conflict and always capitulates or runs away.
A deal breaker may be associated with alcoholism, smoking, drug use, selling drugs, a pass history of domestic violnce, a mental or emotional abuser. You may not want to date someone taking anti-anxiety or depression meds or anti-psychotic meds, or a person having a lengthy criminal record. You may not want a person that has too many children to support or someone refusing to pay their child support. You may be concerned that a person doesn’t have any children at all and wants to have children. A person may appear to be attractive, the nicest; most sweetest person in the world but they might have way too much baggage to get involved with.
Note: Regarding your do not want list, it’s safe to say that no one’s perfect—without imperfections or issues—not even you! No one has lived a mistake-free life without any indiscretions. If you require that special someone you’re looking for to be perfect and for them not to make any mistakes while with you, you’re kidding yourself. You will find yourself starting to date someone then quickly ending the relationship. The more perfect that you think you are, you’re going to nitpick and find everything wrong wilth people and struggle to find a partner. Perfect people usually find themselves alone.
Only you can decide what issues a person brings into your life require leniency, empathy, grace, and patience. Or what mistakes they make with you or their sketchy past history demands that you cut ties all and end all communication. Make sure when evaluating anyone’s behavior, to compatrmentalize their mistakes (innocent or unitentional) from their wrong doings (selfishness or maliciousness).
Similar to having a flexible Romantic Checklist, a do not want list should have some flexibility as you age. After 50, or even at 40 years of age, it’s possible that a person may be dealing with a health condition or taking presricption medication. Only you can decide what issues you are willing to take on or situations you want to keep an eye on. Remember, in intimate relationships, people can appear perfect but unicorns don’t exist.
Getting Burned by the Emotional Arsonist
Unless you have outrageous financial needs and serious medical needs, the goal of dating someone new or starting a new relationship is to create hot passion and interest (Romantic Chemistry) in the beginning. In order to accomplish an intense romantic reaction, a person must hide anything that raises a red flag or be considered a deal breaker. It’s typical to try and appear as normal, and as issue frree as possible to keep any behavior or issue from popping up on each other’s do not want radar. Just as people are trying you keep things a secret from you, you are trying to keep your issues and secrets from them until…the time is right.
In the early stages of meeting or dating, it’s important to note that some people are gifted at managing their chronic behavioral issues to keep them from surfacing on another person’s radar. Some people are Pros at camouflaging an addiction or a troubled history by acting normal in order to go undetected by a love interest or a prospective employer. Although a person with chronic behavioral issues and character flaws will intentionally hide them from a potential love interest, anyone that always places their romantic wants and desires above their do not want list will consciously hide what they see and what they hear from themselves.
In virtually every new relationship, everyone sees something or hears something that doesn’t sit well with them. However, when a person you’re dating is telling you everything you want to hear and showing you everything that you want to see, you can turn blind, deaf and dumb real fast. A person that you’re dating or starting a relationship with can essentially check every box on your romantic checklist. As each box is being checked, you’re becoming extremely infatuated and your hormones are like a raging fire.
That first coffee or dinner date, or the first sexual encounter can create a romantic fire so hot that you’re about to explode. What you don’t know is there maybe ill intent. The fire they’re setting inside you is actually being created to set you up. The heat they’re creating within you is actually a false front to get close enough to you so they can burn you. The burning passion within you is about to eventually be turned on you. They’ve basically planted a love bomb in your heart and mind that’s about to blow up in your face.
The person that you’re now enamored with has spoken all your love languages and have loved bombed the fuck out of you. The blistering heat generated from a love bombing can literally overwhelm your common sense. That raging out of control inferno burning inside you is about to engulf you into all their bullshit and dysfunction. Similar to the obvious attributes that can spark your attraction, passion and interest in someone, there are issues and drama that they will bring into your life that will have an opposite impact. Once you’re caught in their blaze, they will light the fuse and that love bomb will be detonated.
One day, some dark shocking secret about them is revealed. Then you notice they’re coming home drunk or high. Then they’re picking fights with you over nothing. Then become verbally abusive and call you out of your name. Then they start breaking things that belong to you. Then they start ghosting you and disappearing for days. You start learning more things about them and suddenly you realize the mess you’ve gotten yourself into. Once they reveal who they really are, it will be too late to run and there is nowhere to hide. You are now either living with them, married to them, have children with them or own property together.
The deeper you connect with a person, you will make new discoveries about their behavior or about their past history. Unfortunatley, you might not discover a person’s character flaws until they get their claws firmly into you. Sadly, you might only discover their major issues when you’re deeply emotionally and financially invested into the relationship. At this point, they don’t care or give a fuck that you are aware of their issues; have a drinking problem, or an addiction. You now know that you have been dealing with an Emotional Arsonist. Regrettably, for you, you won’t leave the burning building unscathed. Hopefully, you won’t get burned too badly.
That said, you may decide to be proactive and ask questions. You may decide to be patient and keep an eye on how they manage their issues or their illness. If you have a zero tolerance policy and decide to enforce an item on your deal breaker list, you may quickly jump ship and end the relationship. Despite having a clear deal breaker list, it can be difficult for you to break free from abuse, drama and unhappiness. Your mind may tell you to run, your heart may tell you to fight but reality tells you that you’re in big trouble.
You Feel the Heat but You Can’t Run from the Blaze
Why do so many people ignore the red flags they see and pretend not to hear the character issues that will ultimately bring them unbearable pain and profound sadness? Why can’t a person break free from a toxic partner with so many emotional issues?
As mentioned earlier, many people become blind, deaf and dumb because they place so much value on their mental Romantic Checklist. Their partner is not a bad person per se. They just have some issues that are not deal breakers. In their mind, the good may out weigh the bad and they’ve learned to take the good times with the bad. They litereally psyche themselves out to focus on the positive and enjoy the good moments. They endure the difficult moments because they know a great moment (romantic reaction) is just head.
However, some people become powerless to an Emotional Arsonist and trapped in an unhealthy, toxic relationship because they’ve lost their three “I’s”—independence, identity and individuality. They’ve gone all in on their relationship which both defines them as someone’s partner and also weakens them as an individual. Anybody would become paralyzed with fear to leave a dysfunctional relationship when they lose their independence, identity and individuality to their relationship. Financially they depend on their mate for everything and can’t afford to leave. There is nothing unique about them as an individual that distinguishes or seperates them their partner. In society and to the world they are only indentified as a partner of someone or the parents of someone.
As a result of investing so much into their relationship and trusting that love will last forever, they may not have any financial means, medical insurance, any friends or family to support them. As a result of sacrificing everything and alienating evryone, they are alone in the world. They may not have any concept of who they are and what to do with their life without the other person in their life. They feel lost because who they were as a person was greatly associated with the person they were with.
Sometimes, the three I’s aren’t the problem. It’s possible that they are the “Mr. or Ms. Fix It”, type and their partner becomes their personal project. Although they are miserable as hell, they don’t believe in abandonment or giving up on a person. They are the ‘Ride or Die’ type. They have convinced themselves that they can either help, change or rescue their partner. Although noble, they endure years of trauma and disappointment trying to support someone they love. “Mr. and Ms. Fix It”, tells themselves that they remain with someone out of love. That’s half the truth. They also enjoy playing the hero.
Can Romantic Chemistry Last Forever?
‘“If the average couple adds one marble to a jar every time they had sex in the first three years, they will not be able to empty three years of marbles every time they had sex over the next 10 years. This is not an exact science but for the average couple, at least 30% of the marbles would remain.” — Unknown
Can the Romantic Chemistry between two people last for the entirety of the relationship? Will there always be a high level of attraction, passion and the same interest in romance after 5 years? For some couples yes and for some no! Some relationship experts say yes and some say no. Can year 10 of the relationship create the same rush of happy hormones and the feeling of infatuation that was felt in year one? Can the passion burn as hot consistently and the interest to be romantic on a weekly basis last forever? Probably not. Romantic chemisrty is too gray of an area to give a definitive answer.
Some relationships end on a bad note and some come to an end because some element of Romantic Chemstry—the attracrion, passion or connetion—has fizzled. For some couples, the curiosity factor is gone after a few months. Usually one partner is not as engaged and as present as the were in the beginning. He or she now has a multitude of distractions and more pressing issues. That said, in some relationships there is at least one person who is a romantic at heart and looks forward to still doing romantic things even in year 10 or 20 of the relationship.
It’s not all doom and gloom after the Honeymoon Stage. And a decline in the romantic reaction and the familiarity aspect doesn’t mean that there is any love lost. It just means two peole are human and have settled into their comfort zone. The longevity of Romantic Chemistry is greatly impacted by relationship maturity and personal perspective.
Romantic Chemistry, being a dynamic concept, essentially changes (evolves) over the course of a relationship. Every romantic relationship that experienced that hot Romantic Chemistry, had a Honeymoon Stage. During that stage, your hormones and feelings of infatuation were at an all time high. In that stage, you experienced the phases of, “I miss you, or I’m thinking about you; communicated to that special someone via phone calls or text messages. One day, there is no more, “I miss you or thinking of you phone calls or texts like in the beginning.
Now take Valentine’s Day—the lover’s holiday. The first Valentine’s Day may have been filled with so much anticipation that probably included flowers, a card and candy. In year one, a couple may have a romantic dinner or go away for the weekend on Valentine’s day. The year five Valentine’s Day may become a little more routine and feel obligatory. Because of a couples busy schedule, they may decide to wait to celebrate Valentine’s Day on the weekend instead of on the actual day. Some couples may decide to eat ‘take out’ from a fancy restuarant or their favorite hole in the wall. Committment and cohabitating changes everything.
Other than familiarity, a couple may start living together. By cohabitating, they see each other everyday. After a relationship settles into a routine, a man may stop sending flowers to a woman’s job. They may no longer take turns visiting each others job to have lunch. A woman may no longer feel passionate about giving a man a blow job while driving in the car. A man avoids going down on a woman like she has a chronic yeast infection. It’s safe to say that the average couple is no longer having sex in the car; in the kitchen or out on the balcony. When was the last time a longterm couple ripped each others clothes off; took a bath or shower together? Or had oral sex or made love to music or candlelight? When was their last inpromptu sexual encouter?
The average couple merely gets in bed and either start the sexual action with foreplay or one partner echoes in the darkness, “Are you in the mood tonight?” It’s possible that one partner decides after fives years that they are not a morning sex person to the dismay of the partner who really enjoys morning sex to kick off their day. When each partner in a relationship loses personal perspective, they are not going to fuck as much, be as sexually adventureous or be creative romantically. They’re not going to plan romantic evenings or weekends like they did in the beginning. When the passionate flame dies, so does the romance for many committed relationships.
“In a committed long-term relationship, there’s a huge difference between being bored in a relatiosnhp and being a boring person. One is easily resolvable, the other is a problem. Sadly, it’s the boring person who complains about being bored.” — Straight Raw
Any healthy romantic relationship starts to settle into a routine of personal and relationship responsibilities. There are both personal priorities and relationship priorities that both partners decide to embrace. The more lavish a couples lifestyle, the more financial responsibilities they accept and the more demands are place on their time. Sometimes the relationship takes a back seat to keeping the ship afloat and sometimes one partner may start taking another partner for granted. In a couples defense, both partners are either too tired or burnt out to entertain the thought of romance. This is the reality of relationship maturity. Some relationships mature too fast. And, as you very well know, children have way more fun, more energy and play more often than grownups.
Those couples that have great Romantic Chemistry, can survive the routine of relationship maturity and get back on track. The more emotionally healthier the couple, the greater their ability to communicate their wants and needs to each other. And, the more receptive and open each person is to making an effort to spend romantic quality time together. By reestablishing personal perspective to appreciate each other and making time to make the relationship a priority, they can get back to having fun again. When you gain and maintain perspective, you can accept theses realities of dating and relationships. You accept the routine and curiosity factors that impact romance. You realize that over time there will be a dissipation of feelings of infatuation and that anxiousness of anticipation will never be the same.
However, there are some people that can’t do monotony at all! The tedious routine of everyday life can be an extremely boring lifestyle for some people. Some people can’t eat the same type of food every day. Some people need variety dishes or need to eat-out often in order to not become bored. With some people, their taste buds need novelty; to be constantly stimulated by new and different flavors.
Question: So, why do people that can’t eat the same type of food every day, wake up craving coffee every morning? Although coffee doesn’t offer a different taste or any nutrition, there is a reaction taking place in the brain. The reaction is so subtle that you are not even aware that your brain is being stimulated. However, without your morning cup of coffee, you will definitely notice the impact. Your brain will experience caffeine withdrawal headaches.
Romantic Chemistry (romantic reaction) is a concept similar to the functionality of how the body, brain and mind works. If you understand the human body, every organ or muscle is constantly searching for energy to function in order to have balance. If you understand brain function, your brain which is the master control center is constantly trying to meet the bodies energy needs in order to balance the body. A mind inudated with trauma and disappointment is under stress. As a result, some people want to keep the mind active and distracted. A griveing mind is constantly searching for happiness; pleasure or excitement to sedate the fellings of unhappiness, loneliness and emptiness. Both the brain and the mind are searching for ways to trigger the realease of happy hormones (dopamine, Oxytocin and serotonin) to be energetic.
Similar to not having coffee, some people will experience Romantic Chemistry withdrawals if the go too long without experiencing that spark. Their boredom can turn into to feelings of sadness and depression. Their brain and heart are aching to experience that feeling of infatuation again.
Note: It’s ironic when the person who is romantically bored in a relationship is acually a boring person. Romantically boring people (men and women) have two things in common. They are selfish and lazy in committed relationshps. Nine times out of ten, they are extremely happy doing what they want to do but will throw a fit and have an attitude when it comes to doing anything their partner enjoys. They are either virtually absent or distracted during romance. The problem is, a selfish and lazy partner wants to do all the activities and hobbies of a single person but want to also reap all the benfits and stability of being in a romantic partnership.
The Romantic Jump Start
“When it comes to creating a spark in a committed relationship, either two people will mutually decide to do things to get the romantic flame going again. Or, one partner will start secret fire outside the relaltionship to only keep themselves happy.” — Straight Raw
Switching from the need to have coffee and feinding for your first cup in the morning, remember counting down the days until Chritmas morning? Remember how excited and anxious you were to open your presents under the Christmas tree? Compare that feeling of counting down the days until Christmas to anticipating your first date with someone new.
Remember the romantic urges you had? Remember that desire to kiss someone for the first time, to hug them or to have sex with them. You couldn’t wait to penetrate them or to be penetrated by them. At some point, as you got older, Christmas began to evolve and take on a different meaning. A relationship is similar to Christmas in that it naturally loses it’s excitment and anxiousness over time. But it doesn’t mean that your feelings for your partner are totally dead and all your urges are gone. Your feelings are just in hibernation mode and are waiting to be awaken. There are essentially two types of people that handle Christmas and romance differently.
With maturity and perspective some people still enjoy the Holidays and and still have fun. However, with maturity and perspective, there are those that don’t enjoy the Holidays and can’t wait until all the hoopla is over. Half of the Holiday Haters don’t want to get caugth up into the commercialism and spend all their money and the other half simply doesn’t have money to spend.
Keeping with the Christmas analogy. There are some children that can play with the same toy well into the summer. Then there are some children that stop playing with a toy—the present they begged Santa for—before New Years day. Although they wanted that toy more that anything, they get bored quickly with the same toy. The lose interest after a few days and run out of ideas now need a new toy to play with. Some people are hardwired to need novelty.
Novelty is addicting and spending too much without feeling that spark can lead to sadness and depression in some people. They need that rush that only newness can provide. This behavior is similar to a serial dater who can’t stay commited too long or remain single too long after a break up.
In a committed relationship, there are two partners. If both people are okay with the monotony and routine of a relationship, all is great. A problem can ocurr when one partner is feinding (craving) to feel that spark again and the other person has fully embraced both the monotony and routine of a committed relationship. One partner can still have the same wants and needs they had five or ten years ago. They want a romantic jump start.
The Average Jump Start
One partner really misses impromtu sex, oral sex, or going away for the weekend. They miss Valentine’s Day and candle lit dinners. They want a date night every now a then; going out to dinner, go out to the movies or go on vacation more often. They want to to have sex in a new environment. The other partner is simple and believes everything is perfect. If it ain’t broke, leave it alone, and leave me alone. Maybe their job is demanding and their hobbies consume most of their social time and energy.
A relationship is similar to a car battery. Every now and then a committed relationship needs a romantic jump start. Some couples decide to jump start the relationship together. Their loylaty and committment keeps them grounded and focused on each other. They believe it’s much easier to add another log to their romantic fire at home than to go out and put in all that work to start a new fire somewhere else. Everyone has different ideas on how to get the spark back in their relationship. Some couples have a collabrative approach to sparking passion. Some ideas are conventional and some are very unorthodox.
Strangely some couples restart their relationships after every fight with makeup sex. The passion and appreciation demonstarted after a breakup makes sex feel incredible. Some couples may take things to the next level and get real freaky with it. They may decide to bring in a new sexual partner. In a threesome, it’s usually a female brought into the relationship. It’s often a man’s idea because men are too selfish and insecure sexually to bring in another man. That said, men are usually the initiators to bring in a male in compersion relationships. In this type of compersion, a man sits and watches as another man fucks his wife and gives her pleasure. He genuinely shares in her joy and happiness as a younger man or gifted stud pleases her sexually.
Needing the Spark from a New Battery
“It literally takes each partner making a concerted effort to restart a romantic fire. It takes the selfish actions of one partner to burn it all down.” — Straight Raw
On the contrary, some people, just want a new battery or new car to drive. For them, impromtu sex, oral sex, or going away for the weekened with their same partner is not going to give them that romantic reaction. Getting back to celebrating Valentine’s Day, break up and make up sex will do nothing for them romantically. Not even having a threesome is gonna work. There are some even harsher realities about committed relationships…being attracted to someone else and wanting someone new.
While some couples work together to spark the romance in their relationship or to save it, some partners feel they need to stimulate their own ego. One partner can be selfish and get their romantic high working in secret. Some people get a thrill from sneaking around with a new partner. They feel alive; almost as if they rediscovered themselves; their youth, confidence and purpose.
Having a clandestine affair may come down to a partner having uncontrollable cravings for novelty. Cheating and adultry are like drugs, caffeine and alcohol. Thay are all addicting and create strong urges to stimulate the brain and sedate the mind. For some people, only novelty can create that romantic reaction. The touch of someone new. Similar to a child needing a new toy to play with every other week, some people require a new lover every now and again to get that spark. Also, the ability to get a new lover reinforces the ego of a person—that they are still attractive or can still attract other people. For some people, cheating rebuilds certain self-concept that were damaged during a committed relationship.
It’s hard to say if a person being chronically unfaithful and often needing novelty is related to having an addictive personality disorder. Or, if fucking around on a partner is a chemical thing where the human brain needs to feel high doses of dopamine, serotonin or Oxytocin. Maybe being unfaithful has a little to do with both.
Oddly, for some couples, cheating can actually spark romance in a committed relationship. On the way home from the secret rendezvous, a man or woman might stop at a gift shop a buy a present. They may grab some tickets for a concert or comedy show. They might walk in the door and have hot passionate sex with their partner on the spot. Days following a partner’s forbidden escapade, they’re actually nicer; more patient and attentive. Don’t be fooled. This type of romantic spark is essentially smoke and mirrors created from regret. All the gifts and acts of kindness are built are on lies and betrayal. Being sweet and kind is fueled by a guilty conscience. There are both sudden changes in behavior and subtle tendencies that every cheater exhibts.
A guilty partner is trying to absolve themselves from the betrayal. Ironically, the more spectacular their partner is in a relationship and undeserving they are of being cheated on, the bigger the gift and the more out of a way the cheater will go to make their unsuspecting partner happy. If the secret flame gets out of control with the secret partner, the cheating partner starts to lose him or herself to the affair. As a consequence, thay may start losing interest in their partner at home.
Let’s face it. It is what it is. People cheat in commttted relationships for a multitude of reasons. They might even cheat during the honeymoon stage. Barring a chronic cheater, it’s virtually impossible to generate intense romantic heat and produce that constant fuel required to keep a romance burning in a committed relationship similar to the intensity of the honeymoon stage. Despite what the relationship experts and the hopeless romantics tell you, the hormonal and infatuation factors can’t be created at the same level in a longterm committed relationship. It’s both physiologically and emotionally impossible. You can’t reverse time and go back to the beginning. Although the flame may not get as intense or burn as bright as it did in the beginning, you can still have a happy and healthy longterm relationship.
Note: We realize—due to religious factors—that eveyone doesn’t celebrate Christmas or their birthdays. However, they can use their own analogy to draw a comparasion to feeling excited and anxious about doing something new or having something new. Althouth everyone finds other people attractive (outside their committed relationship), not every partner falls prey to their urges or is addicted to novelty. Again, it’s not all doom and gloom after the Honeymoon Stage and every partner that’s miserable doesn’t chooses the option to cheat. Barring being neglected and taking each other for granted, some couples remain faithful and strong despite not returning back to the newness.
Confusing Real Chemistry with the Optics of Compatibility
Romance appears to be about compatibility. There are optics of compatibility then there is cohesiveness and harmony. In a committed relationship a couple apperas to be compatible because they have similar likes, like-minded, get anlong and work well together. Everything is natural and nothing is forced. Great as individuals However, the person that you choose will be a reflection of your emotional desires, emotional issues and both emotional and financial needs. The more conscious we are about our issues and needs, the clearer we are about choosing a romantic partner who makes us feel safe and protected. Or, drama is subjective. choosing a romantic partner who does not trigger anxiety and insecurity.
We may be more attracted to looks. For some choosing a partner is comprised of infatuation Some people want to feel infatuated Imagine a sports team, a musical band or a group of coworkers. Every member of the team, band and group is highly skilled and knowledgeable. On paper they are the best at what they do. However, their talents don’t translate to working together for a common goal. They don’t know how to share responsibility and usually play to receive individual glory and headlines.
As a team, band or group, they can’t execute their agenda to succeed. There’s a saying in sports; A good team that plays together can beat great players 80 percent of the time. Doctors, lawyers have the same careers But their personalities Don’t extrapolate to early or jump the gun that there is chemistry. There may be hope and potential there but there must be a mix of behaviors, attitude and egos.
As a person starts to raise the Romantic IQ, they will begin to compartmentalize having a good rapport from being romantically compatible. Like actual chemistry, Romantic Chemistry is a mix of intimate and non-intimate components mixing together to synthesize a healthy romance. It’s more than just sexual or monetary. When our Romantic IQ is somewhat low or average, we get excited about small intangible details that touch us emotionally. Everything we experience while getting to know someone has value but like a puzzle it may not fit as the relationship grows. Have a great phone rapport, a balance of conversation. Having great communication over the phone and having many things in common is a great start. The question is how does that all translate to actually dating and spending time together. Talking too much or super quiet. The compatibility factor and the polar opposite phenomenon. We’re compatible because we’re alike in certain areas and the complete opposite in others creates balance.
True story: Introverts and extroverts. I asked open ended question put in her ear buds to look at the menu and picked up her phone to check her social medic. The waiter came over several times. No, I’m still looking.
man sports bar paying more attention to the game. When he wasn’t screaming at the TV, he was talking about how much he hated his job. He never asked her one question about herself.
What is a Romantic Catalyst?
Chemistry is a science which means it is supported by facts and evidence. The principles of Romantic chemistry are also evidence base which are supprted by facts. In the spirit of dropping more science on you, there is another principle from chemistry that can be applied to Romantic Chemistry. A catalsyt.
In chemistry, a catalyst is a substance that increases the rate of a reaction without changing itself or being consumed in the reaction. For example, yeast is a catalyst to make bread. Yeast is added to consume the sugar in the flour which produces gas to make bread rise. Water is a catalyst. During a flood, the velocity of water can destroy a city and hurt people. While interacting with metal, water starts the oxidation process that discolors the metal turning it to a rust color. A catalyst can be positive or negative. It can create or destroy. There are several catalysts in romantic relationships.
Bad feeling increases and attractions passion and connection decrease. Time and Aging are catalyst in any romantic relationship. Don’t confuse clicking with a person and hitting it off as having romantic chemistry. In chemistry per se, there is a term called a catalyst. A catalyst is some feature or component that speeds up a reaction between two substances or chemicals. lies are catalysts. lack of appreciation taking someone for granted. There are many accelerants (positive and negative) that can change your mind about a person or change your mind about your goals. Things they do for you and things then do to you. People become catalyst in your life. They don’t change but you are change by their presence and involvement the more important they become to you, less important you may become to them.
